Stuff Asperger People Like

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As mentioned before, Aspies love facts and love to insert them into conversation. You might find yourself chatting with an Asperger and it seems like every other line is a fact or data supporting a fact. It it so integrated into the conversation, you wonder how on earth could anyone know so much, either from one specific or many disciplines. This phenomena is known as Speaking Factanese.

Aspergers are born bilingual, the 1st language being their native, and the 2nd being Factanese. It’s not that Factanese can’t be understood by the neurotypical. It’s just darn hard to speak it with the same fluidity as the Asperger. To help you recognize Factanese and possibly help you become more fluent, please study the following Factanese passages:

Conversation 3: The Fiber Kick
Person A: I’m going to start getting more fiber in my diet because I want to be healthier.
Asperger: You should really consider what type of fiber you need more of. There are 2 types. Soluble lowers your cholesterol, insoluble helps you pass bowel movements better. (This conversation is taking place over dinner, by the way.)

Conversation 1: The Father’s Day Gift
Person A: I can’t decide what to get my father for Father’s Day. He likes cookware.
Person B: Get him Mr. Cook’s Oven Mitt.
Person Asperger: If you’re going to get an oven mitt, get Mr. Manly Bakes instead. Mr. Manly Bakes withstands 500 F degrees of heat, while Mr. Cook’s only withstands 450 F.

Conversation 2: The Microwave Popcorn Dilemma
Person A: I’m going to pop some popcorn.
Person B: I stopped doing the microwave popcorn thing after I found about the whole diacetyl and lung cancer link.
Person Asperger: Some companies have stopped using (emphasizes the correct pronunciation-which Person B didn’t do) diacetyl flavoring. Con Agra brands no longer use it.

By carefully studying these examples, soon you too can become fluent in Factanese and find a way to insert obscure information about boats, weather, and walrus genitals into any conversation.

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