#19 Porn As The Special Interest

Written by SAPL on August 24th, 2008 in Hobbies and Special Interests.

In some instances, it seems the Asperger male (or female for that matter), is really no different from the neurotypical after all. The interest in porn is a perfect example. But the Asperger’s interest is not just about getting to rate the boobs of the day. The Asperger will use porn for academic purposes or to obsess with a particular body part that may be a special interest. If there were more doctorate programs in pornography, we’d have more Kinseys than we’d know what to do with. As the Asperger studies porn, he chooses to major in a particular area and ask such deep questions as,”How could a woman have such ripped abs?” if he is into muscular/bodybuilder/he-she like ladies. Some Aspies mistakenly think they can learn about relationships from porn, but soon realize there is nothing further from the truth. How on earth can they get to know each other? There’s never any talking going on in these things.

An HBO movie might incite statements from the neurotypical such as, “No way, man! No one has a penis that big,” or “How would you make a sex toy that big anyway?” This is where the Asperger, armed with all the information he has obtained from studying “101 Factos about sex toys”, comes in to rescue the undereducated and horny neurotypical. “The sex toys are made from molds of an actual penis. There is a clay mix you add water to and stir. It is similar to making dental casts. You can even order them online and mix them in your own kitchen with a regular bowl and spoon.”

At this point in the conversation, the neurotypical men mentally note: Dude, never eat at this guy’s house again!

“Once the mix is complete,” the Asperger continues, “you place the erect penis in the clay, allow it to cool, remove your penis, pour liquid into the mold, and ta da! You have created a dildo.”

The neurotypical men are having an extreme WTF moment now, probably due to both the Asperger’s explanation and the amount of alcohol consumed. This is obviously more than they signed up for when the rented Vicky Vixen. The insecure, jealous, and paranoid neurotypical will start to wonder and be convinced that the only way the Asperger could possibly know all this information is if he is the model on which all sex toys are crafted from. To this speculation, the Asperger will decide that some rumors are best left undenied.

Image: afflsports

#18 Providing More Than The Minimum Coverage

Written by SAPL on August 18th, 2008 in Socialization.

Details are important for the Asperger, even the details that aren’t important for everyone else, weren’t asked for, and no one cares about. This is why, when asking the Asperger a simple question, you’re likely to get more than the minimum coverage.

More than the minimum coverage usually takes place in 2 categories: A Shakespearean monologue for a yes/no question and TMI-Too much information. TMI is, of course, not just extra conversation, but the kind of coverage that just does not make for good dinner conversation. This will often take place in groups, such as a walk in the park on a hot summer day, for example.

Let’s say the Asperger drank several bottles of water, but still hasn’t had a need for a bathroom break like every other member in the group. “You probably are dehydrated,” a fellow hiker may suggest.

“You’re probably right,” the Asperger replies. “In fact, I must be dehydrated because my urine was extremely dark this morning. And I’ve been terribly constipated as well. But it may be due to my bathroom rhythms. I usually have certain times of the day I urinate and hardly ever go off schedule. It must not be time urinate yet. But having bathroom schedules are convenient because you always know when you’re going to go. Except of course, when it’s time and you can’t find a bathroom. There have been 2 times there wasn’t a bathroom around and I am so glad I was wearing dark pants because…”

We can all see that the TMI checkpoint was missed long ago.

While other monologues may not hit the TMI scale, they still provide more than the minimum coverage. Directions to the pharmacy come with the history of why all the streets are named what they are named, the business that used to occupy the pharmacy building, the arrangements of the aisle and the order of medicines in them, etc., etc. Hopefully, she or he will remember the social rule of not asking what you’re buying, but probably not, and if not, at least you’ll be provided with several cheaper alternatives to Mr. Hooper’s Hemorrhoid cream.

#17 Becoming An Engineer, Being An Enginerd

Written by SAPL on August 13th, 2008 in Careers.

Right up there with Becoming A Professor, the career choice for many Aspergers is engineering.  People who are engineers are more likely to have a child or a grandchild who turns out to be an Aspie. There is definitely something in the genes. If you’re operating a piece of electrical equipment or driving down the freeway, you probably have an Aspie to thank or not thank, depending on if the freeway was designed with the town’s flooding tendencies in mind.

Engineers are usually not your party people. Engineering is a most nerdy profession and many Aspies enjoy this, because at least it flatters their intellect to know they are in a very mentally challenging profession. Some have been nicknamed “enginerds.” Career planning may take place when the Asperger asks him or herself: What kind of enginerd should I be? Depending on the precise algorithm of nerdiness and weirdness, there are several categories to choose from. Here are a few examples of the possibilities:

Biomedical/Biochemical: Not as nerdy as some other areas. Incorporating medicine into their interest may win points with nerdy, but cooler pre-med students. People are always interested in others who can make food taste better, last longer, and stick extra preservatives in them that they cannot pronounce. Ability to bring about advancements in pharmaceuticals may also impress hot nurses.

Civil: Middle of the road nerds. Not quite as cool as the biomedical/biochemical. Usually possesses good social skills to possibly even trick some neurotypical to marry them with the neurotypical thinking that this is the way math and science geeks behave. And size does matter-if you can design a really tall, big, fancy building you will be elevated to stardom status among enginerds and regular people.

Electrical: Level Extreme Nerdiness. Just plain weird. Even Steve Urkel crosses the street to avoid them.

Planet Holiday

Contrary to what some think, Asperger people do indeed get married and have families. However, these living arrangements or the state of the household may be a little different than your neurotypical situation. Due to the Asperger’s intense need for solitude and being left alone for a good portion of the day, Asperger people may not interact with their neurotypical or even fellow Asperger partner in what is normally expected.

For example, one Asperger may say to his/her partner, “I like to have a lot of alone time. So, Just because we’re in the house together, doesn’t mean we have to interact.” There may be arrangements of sleeping in separate beds, eating alone versus together, and in some cases even having 2 completely separate homes or apartments even though they are married.

Although the neurotypical spouse may not even know why the Asperger partner is so damn weird, he/she may very well adapt and try to understand, thus having an “unwritten” agreement. However, it never fails that some nosy neurotypicals with no lives will find out about the “weirdness at 2525  Otherwise Non-Freaky Neighborhood Lane,” and begin to talk. They may start to have “heart to heart”, which is more like “headbutt to headbutt” conversations with the neurotypical and Asperger partner, desperately trying to incite change even when both partners are happy.

Truth be told, these neurotypicals are just jealous. Susie wouldn’t mind peace and quite versus a groping and demanding husband at home every evening at 7:00PM. Harry down the street knows he too could benefit from a separate bed and thus avoiding his wife’s jittery restless legs kicking him in the crotch every morning or being awoken by her loud farts in the middle of the night. But remember, neurotypicals care too much about what is socially appropriate. Either that or Harry is looking for a way out of the 4th child he promised his wife.


Joe Ellis, chairman of NAKMAS (the National Association of Karate and Martial Art Schools) recently made the announcement in a press release that he has Asperger’s Syndrome.

Ellis has chaired NAKMAS since its establishment in 1992 and he is also the former President and Chair of Karate England.

NAKMAS is starting its Asperger Syndrome training programme, aimed at educating martial arts coaches about the condition. The program is set to begin in 2009.

Sandra Beale, the Equality Lead Officer/Director of Operations at NAKMAS is responsible for the program and she said:

“Individuals with Asperger Syndrome are well suited to martial arts as classes tend to follow a specific order, can be repetitive, and include detailed instructions with reasons. Students also work as individuals more, depending upon the discipline chosen. All these things are attractive to a person with Asperger Syndrome, and they can also gain confidence and more experience in social situations.”

Students working as individuals more, huh? Ah, yes, going MIA is good for sports events as well.

Ellis said, “I want to show that there is no need for anyone with Asperger Syndrome to miss out on the success and enjoyment that the martial arts – or any other area of life – can bring.”

The program might also show that there is no need for anyone with Asperger Syndrome to not attain a black belt in marital arts and thoroughly kick the ass of anyone who puts their safety in jeopardy-especially if they are targeted for their Aspergerness.

The last statement in no way represents the comments, thoughts, or wishes of Mr. Ellis and NAKMAS of course. It’s just extra theorizing.

When discussing Asperger people, some have used Bill Gates to describe individuals with the traits. Although the author of this post does not know if Gates is an Aspie or not, his nerdy brilliance, computer knowledge and skills, and intense focus in a particular “special interest” that has proved quite profitable certainly make him a candidate.

Aspergers across the universe know this and will use this suggestion to honor and defend their “aspergerness” at any given time when they feel “Asperger” is being used in a derogatory way. Many thoroughly enjoy referring to his arrest in the 70s (mugshot pictured above), as this icon is the perfect symbol which defines a genius who went against the grain. Don’t ever remind them that Gates was speeding and driving without a license, as this would interfere with their idolatry and cause great distress knowing their hero was breaking rules, not following protocol, and possibly being immoral depending on the degree of R.E.P. they possess. It is much  better for their psyche to think he was arrested for something like protesting about mistreatment of some group.

“Bill Gates probably has Asperger’s.”

“Asperger’s is good. Isolated focus are what made Bill Gates a zigazillionaire.”

“Asperger’s is a gift. Without it, we wouldn’t have people like Bill Gates.”

You see the point by now.

Asperger traits, however, can be both good and bad, and many Aspies have started to drop his name to defend their negative “Aspergerties.”

“Why can’t I grab and adjust myself at the dinner party? It’s part of my Aspergerness and I’m sure Bill Gates would grab and scratch himself at any dinner party if he felt the urge.”

“Why help my wife put up groceries? If she knows how to buy them, she ought to know how to put them up. I’ve got a website to design. Would Bill help Melinda put up the groceries?”

Fanatic followers of Bill Gates name dropping take on the WWBG motto: What would Bill Gates do? It’s quite predictable that Bill Gates would do the opposite of what the Asperger is trying to avoid doing.

Most Bill Gates name droppers are computer geniuses (albeit self-professed), but the profession of followers can vary. Some will drop his name even though they think “Vista” is a vocabulary word from Spanish Level 1 and “XP” is a dress size you wear for a month after Holiday gluttonous eating.

#14 Speaking Factanese

Written by SAPL on August 1st, 2008 in Hobbies and Special Interests, Socialization.


As mentioned before, Aspies love facts and love to insert them into conversation. You might find yourself chatting with an Asperger and it seems like every other line is a fact or data supporting a fact. It it so integrated into the conversation, you wonder how on earth could anyone know so much, either from one specific or many disciplines. This phenomena is known as Speaking Factanese.

Aspergers are born bilingual, the 1st language being their native, and the 2nd being Factanese. It’s not that Factanese can’t be understood by the neurotypical. It’s just darn hard to speak it with the same fluidity as the Asperger. To help you recognize Factanese and possibly help you become more fluent, please study the following Factanese passages:

Conversation 3: The Fiber Kick
Person A: I’m going to start getting more fiber in my diet because I want to be healthier.
Asperger: You should really consider what type of fiber you need more of. There are 2 types. Soluble lowers your cholesterol, insoluble helps you pass bowel movements better. (This conversation is taking place over dinner, by the way.)

Conversation 1: The Father’s Day Gift
Person A: I can’t decide what to get my father for Father’s Day. He likes cookware.
Person B: Get him Mr. Cook’s Oven Mitt.
Person Asperger: If you’re going to get an oven mitt, get Mr. Manly Bakes instead. Mr. Manly Bakes withstands 500 F degrees of heat, while Mr. Cook’s only withstands 450 F.

Conversation 2: The Microwave Popcorn Dilemma
Person A: I’m going to pop some popcorn.
Person B: I stopped doing the microwave popcorn thing after I found about the whole diacetyl and lung cancer link.
Person Asperger: Some companies have stopped using (emphasizes the correct pronunciation-which Person B didn’t do) diacetyl flavoring. Con Agra brands no longer use it.

By carefully studying these examples, soon you too can become fluent in Factanese and find a way to insert obscure information about boats, weather, and walrus genitals into any conversation.

#13 Heather Kuzmich And Her Hot Legs

Written by SAPL on July 30th, 2008 in Careers.

Freddy Reshew/Pottle Productions

Heather Kuzmich is one well-known Aspie who many consider to be of importance in the culture. She was a contestant on America’s Next Top Model who made it to the final 5 on the Cycle 9 series last year.

Kuzmich is appreciated, revered, and adored by Aspergers for several reasons. One, she brought Aspies to the limelight on a national television show watched by many neurotypicals who may not have been aware of Aspergers before. She also showed that women and girls too are indeed Aspies and shattered some stereotypes that it’s just a male thing. Because of this, possibly more gals will realize they are Aspies or stop covering up their Aspie traits just because they can do it better than dudes. Clinicians might wise up and recognize girl Aspies as well, but as any Asperger who has dealt with those types of neurotypicals knows…some dull pencils in the box are harder to sharpen than others.

She came across as intelligent, articulate, and well-adjusted.

She also had a great pair of legs.

And what fantasies both neurotypical and Aspie men held to procreate with her and produce their very own Aspie mini-me, dominating and taking over the world with their abilities to talk for hours about horses, engineering and IT skills,  logic and analytical superiority, and hot pairs of legs.

Although her tenure on America’s next top model didn’t result in a victory, she gained fame, respect, other modeling opportunities, and proved she and other Aspies, not only can have hot legs, but can compete with any regularly wired individual.

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