Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

#32 Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Written by SAPL on Monday, February 23rd, 2009 in Uncategorized.

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Out of all the women in the world who are special to the Asperger Person, Jessica Kingsley is in the top 5, along with mom, wife or girlfriend, and playmate of the year.

Who is Jessica, you might ask? Who knows! Stuff Asperger People Like has no clue, but one thing’s for sure, she sure does have an extensive collection of books on Asperger’s Syndrome and autism.

From personal accounts written by Aspies to clinical perspectives written by doctors, Jessica Kingsley is the headquarters for Asperger reading. The publishing company has helped many individuals and families when looking for resources on Aspies.

Because Jessica/the company has successfully built a collection of Asperger reading material, one has to wonder why she doesn’t pimp, or, uh, market this aspect of her publishing company even more than what’s being done already.

Oprah would have nothing on Jessica’s “Asperger book of the month” club. A television program to showcase the discussion of the monthly book would attract viewers nationally, increase sales, and get the word out on what a wonderfully resourceful company she is running. So long as she doesn’t invite Tom Cruise to jump on the couch during filming.

Sex sells, and if Jessica were to “hotten” up her image with fishnet stockings, red lipstick, and heels while promoting Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work, sales would skyrocket.

Of course, Jessica Kingsley could be composed of a group of 65 year old men who sit around in the boardroom. If that’s the case, red lipstick and stockings might still work. Remember, every Asperger person has their own sexual thing that does it for them.

In summary, go to Jessica Kingsley for all your Asperger book needs. In the end, it will be just you, her, and a nightstand light. No one else ever has to know.

#23 Worrying: Working The Wigdala

Written by SAPL on Sunday, October 5th, 2008 in Uncategorized.

Have you worked your wigdala today? Sounds strange, I know. Maybe even a little dirty. Allow me to explain with a brief lesson in Neuroscience 101.

The brain is divided into several areas, some of which are more responsible for some activities than others. The cerebellum, for example, coordinates muscle movements, which may lead some Aspies to wonder what the heck happened to theirs as their clumsiness can only leave them to hope for a Forrest Gump-like athleticism. Another area would be the amygdala, which plays a key role in regulating emotions. There is a center of the brain that has become a hot topic in research and will soon generate millions of money that intellectual con-artists known as PhD grant writers with snatch. That area, responsible for the center of worrying in Asperger People, is called the Wigdala.

Asperger people worry a lot. Day in and day out. It’s possible Aspies worry in their sleep as well, but a person’s bedroom activities are a private matter. The Asperger will worry about every anticipated problem or situation that might come up and wonder how on earth they will deal with it. When a solution is not reached, they may worry that it’s taking too long to come up with one. They worry about things might happen, things that might not happen and how to make things happen.

All of these worries and fears result in a super wigdala, or a wigdala on steroids. It has been increased significantly in size from being worked so hard, the Asperger finds himself wigged out (others use the terms physically and emotionally exhausted).

Some neurotypicals might innocently try to calm the Aspie, saying phrases such as, “You know, 99% of the things you worry about don’t come true.” Fantastic! Now the Asperger has more worries to add to the collection: When will the 1% event come true? And which worry is that 1% instance? I wish I knew, so I could think of plan A-ZZZ to conquer it.

It may be argued that what some Asperger people need are slight boost of confidences to remember all the many times they have successfully dealt with any difficult situation that caused anxiety in the past. That right. You own your wigdala; your wigdala does not own you! (Note: This is the point where usually you are asked to send $99.95 for a Wigdala Working Kit, complete with a pamphlet containing testimonials by people who’ve found success with the Wigdala Working Kit, but whose results are not typical.)

Positive Wigdala Working consists of simply remembering the times when the Asperger person showed the wigdala who’s boss. It might help to make a list of those events. And that’s where Microsoft Excel comes in handy. With 65,536 rows and 256 columns, there are a total of 16,777,216 cells in one worksheet! That’s enough cells to document a whopping 3% of a Asperger person’s daily worries and how she successfully, through hair pulling and marathon fatigue at the end of the day, made it through them.

#21 Eating Routines And Food Presentation Preferences

Written by SAPL on Monday, September 8th, 2008 in Uncategorized.

Greefus Groinks on Flickr

It’s been said that there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s. Once the Asperger finds his or her preference for eating the peanut butter chocolate goody, he or she will never eat it differently again. For those of you working in office settings, if you have an Aspie in the office and you know a Reese’s is her favorite treat-offer to buy it 2-3 times for her and watch her as she eats it. She might break the top off and lick the peanut butter, eat the outermost ridges, or take a stab in the middle and leave the ring for the end. Watch carefully and after the 2nd or 3rd time, you’ll find yourself cracking up. Or getting really, really, really weirded out.

Along with Eating The Same Foods Everyday, Aspergers like to stick to eating routines and reliable ways of have their food presented on the plate. That whole, “the kid likes it sliced in triangles and not rectangles,” sandwich thing is no joke for the Aspie. They may even eat in a particular order-green vegetables first, eat clockwise or counterclockwise, no mixing of side dishes, the ridiculous list goes on and on.

This may make for a challenging experience at restaurants when someone who is not as in tuned to the weirdo, or uh, particular eating preferences. If the Aspie is used to his favorite dish with finely chopped cucumbers and it is brought out in big chunks the chef has committed a sin worthy of 2,000 Hail Marys. An innocent waiter may even try to convince the Asperger the dish isn’t suppose to be different than what he received, but the Aspie is no fool! He knows the waiter is trying to pull one over on him in an attempt to get him to shut his mouth and tip well. And so the Aspie becomes even more determined to pursue the case.

“More cornstarch?”

“We don’t use cornstarch. We use potato flour.”

“Different brand of rice?”

“We’ve been using the same rice for the past decade?”

“Different area of the farm the cabbage was picked from?”

“How the #$@! would I know?”

Much ado will take place that involves supervisors, managers, and Prime Ministers if they can take a phone call. Dozens of trips to the kitchen and several conversations with the manager will result in the Aspie finally getting the meal presented in the way he likes–or the meal being dumped on his head, depending on if the waiter was able to sneak in a smoke break.

#15 Dropping Bill Gate’s Name To Honor Their Aspergerness

Written by SAPL on Tuesday, August 5th, 2008 in Uncategorized.

When discussing Asperger people, some have used Bill Gates to describe individuals with the traits. Although the author of this post does not know if Gates is an Aspie or not, his nerdy brilliance, computer knowledge and skills, and intense focus in a particular “special interest” that has proved quite profitable certainly make him a candidate.

Aspergers across the universe know this and will use this suggestion to honor and defend their “aspergerness” at any given time when they feel “Asperger” is being used in a derogatory way. Many thoroughly enjoy referring to his arrest in the 70s (mugshot pictured above), as this icon is the perfect symbol which defines a genius who went against the grain. Don’t ever remind them that Gates was speeding and driving without a license, as this would interfere with their idolatry and cause great distress knowing their hero was breaking rules, not following protocol, and possibly being immoral depending on the degree of R.E.P. they possess. It is much  better for their psyche to think he was arrested for something like protesting about mistreatment of some group.

“Bill Gates probably has Asperger’s.”

“Asperger’s is good. Isolated focus are what made Bill Gates a zigazillionaire.”

“Asperger’s is a gift. Without it, we wouldn’t have people like Bill Gates.”

You see the point by now.

Asperger traits, however, can be both good and bad, and many Aspies have started to drop his name to defend their negative “Aspergerties.”

“Why can’t I grab and adjust myself at the dinner party? It’s part of my Aspergerness and I’m sure Bill Gates would grab and scratch himself at any dinner party if he felt the urge.”

“Why help my wife put up groceries? If she knows how to buy them, she ought to know how to put them up. I’ve got a website to design. Would Bill help Melinda put up the groceries?”

Fanatic followers of Bill Gates name dropping take on the WWBG motto: What would Bill Gates do? It’s quite predictable that Bill Gates would do the opposite of what the Asperger is trying to avoid doing.

Most Bill Gates name droppers are computer geniuses (albeit self-professed), but the profession of followers can vary. Some will drop his name even though they think “Vista” is a vocabulary word from Spanish Level 1 and “XP” is a dress size you wear for a month after Holiday gluttonous eating.

#12 Morals (The Right Ones, That Is)

Written by SAPL on Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 in Uncategorized.


Aspergers have spent many sleepless nights debating the morality of both their actions and others. They are naturally hyper-concerned with doing what is right, judging if others are doing what is right, and ensuring others know what is right. Their innate strong sense of what’s right and wrong has both protected and punished them throughout their lives.

On the positive side, an Asperger’s strong sense of morality will ensure that Barbara Walters will never be able to write a tell all book about him. Ditto for any Paris Hilton-like videos surfacing the internet and time spent wasting away in Margaritaville. That it itself should make him appreciative of this gift. But a closer look at the Aspie’s conscience on overdrive reveals problems surfacing here and there.

There is always the risk of offending friends or potential girlfriends if she is told her outfit makes her look like a whore. But the Aspie feels compelled to tell her this anyway. After all, she may not know. And if she doesn’t who else is going to tell her? Morals such as these must be followed even at risk of a slap to the face or a knee to the groin.

College can be a time of great frustration for the Aspie when deciding on a major. A promising career as an attorney may sound exciting, but the Asperger cannot foresee giving a guilty person legal counsel even if they deserve it. Medicine might prove lucrative and honorable, but if people can prevent so many ailments through diet and exercise it’s not progressive to treat them with drugs. A librarian may seem like the perfect job as literacy and education can never be overpromoted. Until the Aspie imagines a situation where she is forced to tell a patron to be quite only to discover the patron has a voice disorder which makes it very difficult to do so.  Because of her chastising the patron, the patron decides to become a recluse for 30 years and blames the Aspie librarian for driving him to a lifetime of isolation and cold delivered pizzas because he no longer feels confident leaving the home to go grocery shopping. While this scenario might sound farfetched, it seems quite plausible at 3:00AM over nail biting and undergraduate class registration forms on the table.

The moral weight of responsibility the Aspie feels is often too much to carry. Because of this, some will resort to becoming Rule Enforcement Pissers to compensate.

#8 Eating The Same Foods Everyday

Written by SAPL on Sunday, July 20th, 2008 in Uncategorized.

Simple Food

The Asperger child was easy to recognize in the school cafeteria as she always brought the same meal for lunch everyday. While other children may have had their parents to blame for this matter (“You eat what we serve you,” “That is too expensive,”) and often protested, the Aspie child actually enjoyed this. And when it came time to barter your Lunchable for someone else’s PB&J, the Aspie never took part in this marketplace. However, no one was ever really interested in exchanging because the meal the Asperger child bought was probably bland and/or weird anyway.

These Aspies grew into adults who retained their restrictive food preferences, usually due to their extreme disgust of many foods, such as tomatoes, or inability to tolerate the texture (that damn sensory sensitivity strikes again!) of many foods, or just the plain love of certain types of foods. Tom still brings pasta with marinara sauce daily for lunch, has not strayed in 10 years, and would probably have to go on leave of absence should there be a reason he couldn’t make it daily.

This restrictive food fetish comes with its perks. Obviously there is less planning involved in the process. When she finally arrives at the cash register after standing in line at Howie’s Bagels for 10 minutes, the Aspie often finds her Everything Bagel already made to her liking and wrapped, ready to ring up provided the workers have spotted her in the back of the line. When entering restaurants frequented, the Asperger is given special dignitaries and greeted with names such as, “Greek Vegetables?” vs. plain Mr. or Mrs. Eisenhower.

The Aspie will find certain items at the store, frozen or shelf, and often empty the shelves with dozens soon after they are stocked, leaving others to wonder why their favorite item is never there even though they’ve requested the manager bring them in week after week. Their questions are answered after a careful stakeout reveals a man rolling a cart away with 30 Momma Mia Spinach Lasagnas just moments after they are put in the freezer.

“We switched distributors and they no longer carry the product,” is one of the worse phrases the Aspie can hear from the grocer when referring to his favorite foods but all is not lost as at least there is opportunity to go to another store who understands the importance of keeping the right distributors that carry his products.

However, the greatest blow, the final dagger that may leave the Aspie picking up the pieces for days, weeks, even months:

“I’m sorry, Sir. The company discontinued the product.”

#6 Earplugs

Written by SAPL on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 in Uncategorized.

Weird Science

All humans, neurotypical or Aspie, have their “I can’t do without,” accessories. Belts, bracelets, push up bras, you name it. Most of these accessories are for vanity purposes and the person could very well tolerate being separated from, although they might suffer extreme feelings of ugliness, nakedness, fattiness, skinniness, insert appropriate negative psychological feeling of materialistic, neurotic individual.

The Asperger has an accessory, but unlike a neurotypical accessory, it is, for some, an absolute necessity. That accessory is the pair of earplugs.

Many Aspies have various sensory sensitivities, meaning certain sensory stimuli-noises, smells, touches, etc. are more overwhelming for them than they would be for the neurotypical and can sometimes hinder performance or just be more annoying. One of the ways the clever Aspie has learned to circumvent this sensitivity is by following the Scout’s Motto and being prepared by keeping a set of earplugs with them at all times.

This preparation comes in handy to drown out a noisy subway or el train, when you are dragged to a loud concert by a spouse or at least someone you might want to con into being your spouse one day, a library that isn’t always as quiet as it should be, screaming ungrateful brats that share your DNA (that you’re 99.9% sure of according to that test), the wife that talks too much in the car, and the various sounds of papers turning, pens and pencils scribbling, and people moving up and down in squeaky chairs during important tests that might hamper the concentration. In some areas, such as some Graduate Record Exam (GRE) centers, the neurotypicals have evolved and learned that many people can benefit from such measures and provide free earplugs to testers to drown out such nuisances as keyboard typing or loud gas from the nervous dude next to you. Most times, however, the Aspie is on its own.

There are times when the Aspie may be extremely stressed and feel the need to wear the earplugs for longer periods of time and to more places, such as the few last days before a big project that requires constant thinking and concentration. Many people who know the Aspie have come to know that these times exist and may accomodate: Suzy is wearing her earplugs while she washes dishes. I won’t bother her for now. I’ll wait until she talks to me.

Sometimes, these periods of earplug wearing may go on and on and people around the Aspie, such as the neurotypical significant other, may start to wonder when this “period” will subside and they will be able to communicate with the Aspie again. Although there is no known exact formula to predict this, much data exist that shows one strong correlation: When the feud between the wife and her (sister/mother/boss/friend) has ended and she no longer has the need to tell you every detail night after night, the sensory sensitivity period magically (no abruptly, with magically being a bad scientific word) ceases, thus providing a supportive environment for the earplugs to come out.

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