Donna S. Rutherford on Flickr

Clothing can be such a pain in ass for Asperger People. Too tight, not tight enough, feels scratchy, the list goes on for material and fabrics that rub their sensory sensitivities the wrong way.

Because of this, some Aspies prefer to just be plain naked.

Usually this is confined to a private area, such as one’s own home or apartment, but there are exceptions.

As children, they might have been little “streaker tykes,” taking off clothing that was unbearable in any environment, including public places. Some Aspergers might still take their clothes off in public, depending on their level of fitness and audacity and the amount of money offered that has enticed them to do so.

Nakedness is natural and fine, but Aspies must beware. Google is watching.

Google Maps is a lovely application that allows you to stalk, or uh, view a detailed map of many areas, all the way down to the color of the mailbox in front a person’s home. Because of this, being naked in the backyard, even with a privacy fence, comes with the risk of you exhibiting yourself on Google maps.

What’s more, one woman reported that Google maps was able to peer all the way into her living room and spy on her cat. Scandalous! And that cat wasn’t even naked.

This could only mean one of two things: 1. Google likes to look at naked people. 2. Google likes to look at naked Asperger people, knowing Aspies like to get naked.

It is probably a combination of both.

So be free, be naked, but don’t forget to close the opaque curtains.

Sandy Austin whanau on Flickr

Clothes may make the neurotypical man or woman, but they will never make the Asperger person.

Aspies generally have no use for the latest fashions, and would prefer to wear clothing for comfort and practical purposes.

Much to the disappointment of the Asperger’s friends and family, the Aspie will continue to dress him or herself for these comfort and practical purposes even after constant reprimands, lessons, and downright rude comments.

An Asperger female may find herself at a greater risk, as the neurotypical female species place more of an importance on clothing and style. As one male once stated, “A man would not think twice about wearing the same thing twice in a week. A girl would think it was horrible to wear the same thing twice in a month.” 

So when an Asperger girl wears her favorite pair of pumps with every outfit-including her jogging pants-nasty words are going to fly.

Ditto for untucked shirts, colors that don’t match, clothing with rips and tears, or that same pair of black pants that has been washed so many times, it is now gray.

Many helpful hints will be passed on to the Asperger, such as “Look through the latest fashion catalogues and copy your wardrobe like theirs.” Some will comply, with graciousness or annoyance.

A good way to cease these nagging, or, uh, helpful hints, is to follow the advice given. A smart Asperger would go out and find a fashion magazine and plan their wardrobe exactly after the models. The best brand to model after is Victoria’s secret, especially for men. Once an Asperger’s parents see their son in pink wings and a push-up, they might back off and make a deal that you only have to be mindful of clothing for a job interview or work itself, not going to the friggin’ grocery store.

Adult costume stores are also a good place for ideas. You could put together a nice outfit based upon dozens of characters, from “Naughty Nurse,” to “Temptress Teacher.”

Both of the above are sure to please those who are concerned about the Asperger’s fashion tastes. Victoria’s Secret never carries yesterday’s fashions. And sex shop costumes might be very open and revealing in various places, thus preventing any tight feelings on the skin for those with sensory sensitivity issues. If there are any objections, remind those around you you’re simply following their advice. And that the outfit you’re wearing matches, which is by far the most important thing.