#24 Dating Themselves

Written by SAPL on October 15th, 2008 in Marriage and Dating, Socialization.


Image: badjonni on Flickr

Someone once said “Love Thyself.” This motto is good for anyone to live by, but Asperger people take the advice one step further: Love thyself and date thyself.

How would you describe a person who dates themselves? Narcissistic? Strange? Nonsense! It’s simply relationship heaven for Asperger people. Since they enjoy solitude so much, it’s no surprise they often choose to go solo during many social activities. Unlike neurotypicals, they freely partake in movie outings, dinners, museum visits, concerts, you name it, and without worrying about having someone to accompany them. Asperger people love to date themselves! Aspies find nothing odd about this practice and are quite surprised to learn neurotypicals have completely different viewpoints.

In conversation, an Asperger person might ask [insert neurotypical X] if she went to see the musical

Jersey Boys. A neurotypical person might reply with, “No, I was going to go, but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me.”

“How ridiculous,” the Aspie person thinks to herself. “Why would anyone miss out on so much fun just because they can’t find anyone to go with them?”

The older the Asperger person gets, the more she learns just how ridiculous this neurotypical rule applies to “the others,” from shopping to sports games to relieving oneself in the lavatory. As a result, the Aspie vows to live life even fuller by themselves, trying their hardest never to miss any fun because everyone else’s calendar is full, no one else likes similar types of movies, or no one else at the dinner table has the urge to tinkle.

And dating oneself has tons of perks for the Aspie as he never has to compromise on when, where, and what to do. This ensures that most dates can involve the special interest, the date can never complain about going to the same restaurant every Friday night and use this as an example to bring up “inflexibility” in couples therapy, or bash him in front of their girlfriends about the lack of “spontaneity” in the relationship.

Naturally, safety should always be considered when dating oneself and dates in places like dark streets or deserted areas aren’t desirable. The Aspie female unfortunately will find herself surrounded by various male “friends” if she chooses to take herself on a date to a bar where the social rule followed by drunk neurotypical males is to offer her a drink in hopes she will break up with herself and date them. Yes, cautions of dating oneself should not be taken lightly. Always meet yourself in a public place. Email is good, but give yourself your phone number only if you feel comfortable.

Much neurotypical chatter takes place about the Asperger who is known to date him or herself. If you could Google this chatter, keywords might be “isolated,” or “loner” or “I never see her with anyone.” But the next time a nosy neurotypical poses one of their most nuisance questions, “Are you even dating anyone?” quickly turn to them and say, “Darn right. I’m dating myself.”

22 Responses to “#24 Dating Themselves”

  1. dr Says:

    kinda lonely tho

  2. Belanna Says:

    Are you serious? How could it possibly be fun to face the NT world all alone? If I can find an NT to drag along and navigate for me I’m much more likely to go out and do stuff.

  3. Liz Says:

    This post is eerily accurate. I’ve only recently found out that going to movies and concerts alone was considered weird. Thanks for the last line. Now I know what to say to people asking me that pesky question.

  4. mrmoose Says:

    I am married and still vacation by myself.

  5. Jake Says:

    I’ve been going to movies and concerts alone for years.

  6. joe a Says:

    asperger’s is an explanation, not an excuse.

    This sounds like it was written by someone who just watched Good Will Hunting, and missed the point.

  7. lydia Says:

    To Joe
    Sounds to me like you dated an Asperger who, in the words of a recently made popular movie, “Was Just Not That Into You,” and you’re pissed because they didn’t give you all the excessive time and doting attention that a needy person demands.

  8. Miriam Says:

    I’ve been dating myself for almost 10 years now – at 15, I’d still rely on other people to come to the movies with me – and I have to say I’m happier than ever.

  9. Gav Belcher Says:

    Dated myself for the first time in a while last night. Ok, so I have always done something. Gone out walking on my own listening to audiobooks, hit a hundred balls on the driving range, sat in cafes, and, yes, cinemas, but it was the cinema that I found most problematic in my own home town. Too many people who could see me. Too many people who would have far too much fun talking about having seen me. And so last night, for the first time since when I lived abroad, I went to the cinema alone. I ‘dated’ myself. And it was great. A little bit of awkwardness walking in on my own. A little bit of awkwardness going to the toilet, and worrying if someone might be talking. Awkwardness on misrecognising more or less everybody I have ever known who might see me. But then, I had made a compromise or two. I hadn’t brought my ex military ear defenders so I could read while I was waiting through the ads – I’m exceptionally anal about wasting time – and I had driven out of the way. There was no chance I was going to the local teen trap of a place where everyone from my old work would be far too likely to be. I avoid enough places already, but that was simply not an option.

    The film was (500) days of Summer. It was damn funny. I laughed. I had a good night. I got out. Back to watch my favourite programme on TV. With nobody talking through it.

    Someday I’ll get back into the world of real people. Sometimes I enjoy that too. But these past few months it’s been for me. And it has been a reprieve. If I do it too long it’ll send me crazy, I don’t doubt, but for the time being it is keeping me sane.

    Oh, and Joe a, you’re out of your element…

  10. The long dark weekend of the soul « The University of Gav Says:

    […] to see a film last night (on my own, perhaps emboldenened by stuff asperger people like’s #24 Dating Themselves, something I have commented on at the bottom of the post) watching Newsnight Review and then […]

  11. Andrew Says:

    I never really though about not going out by myself. Though, if there is going to be situations where I have to deal with other people, like clerks casheirs or whatever, I will want someone with me to lead by example, otherwise I tend to get “stuck”.

  12. Cat Says:

    Wasn’t sure where to post this question but I’m an NT dating a Aspie adult male and was wondering if the other Aspie’s on this site can give me their opinions on this. Why is touch an action that some Aspie’s do not like? Is it perceived as a violation of personal space? Why does it make the Aspie uncomfortable? Some opinions and/or professional replies would help. Thanks. 🙂

  13. wolf Says:

    This woories me because i have a far distance relationship with one hese flying down in a year and i dont want to be lonly
    Sorry for spelling im dislexic

  14. Violet Black Says:

    You’re probably long gone by now, Ms. Cat, but I’ll answer as a probably-Aspie female who is very averse to physical contact compared to the surrounding culture.
    For me, touch is near-automatic sensory overload. It’s quite startling when I think I have my environment sorted out and then suddenly I have to start processing movement* on my skin. The “violation of personal space” facet stems from that. “Why did you feel entitled overload me halfway to the melting point just to delight your senses and/or social expectations?” I do understand that some people like to hug their friends and can brace myself when I know it’s about to happen. But with people I don’t know as well, it’s hard for me not to take tactile engagement as an intrusion of boundaries. When I’m feeling that overwhelmed, the fact that I am the one reacting inappropriately is seldom the foremost thing in my mind.

    *Even if they’re not moving on purpose, there is always subtle stirring presumably beyond the person’s conscious control, unlike if I were to bump into something inanimate. My brain has to process all of that.

  15. Evan Says:

    Aspies don’t mind being touched. All you need to do is explain where you are going to touch them and why. First.

  16. MikeyG Says:

    Are you fucking serious? How is it bad to do things by yourself…wow dating yourself…what a retarded term…this “disorder’ is looking more like a way to bash people who dont think like you

  17. steve_spyder Says:

    I stumbled across this site looking up links to annoyed by clothing tags and link to autism/asperger. i try to explain to ‘normal’ people the way i am and act, knowing i dont act normal. and ive been told oh its stress or chilhood trauma. but i see the behaviour in other people like me that probably have aspergers and dont realize it. i know im different. but im happy about who i am, just understanding what the differences are over the last few years is making me more accepting of myself and behaviours. only took 40 years . we need a plentyofaspergers.com to compete with POF 8)

  18. steve_spyder Says:

    as for touching, dont like being touched with out knowing im going to be touched, its the hypersensitivity. you know how some people like to tickle kids till they pee, thats torture specially to an aspie. my sons mother also was very senstive, i could practically give her an orgasm just by touching a certain spot below her ear. i had to get my sister to stop cutting my hair because of my reaction when she touched my neck.

  19. Aharon Says:

    I date myself constantly. Films, music shows, bike riding alone until 4AM, coffeeshopping until all the “regulars” leave, longboarding, monitoring music for hours, futball, going to the park, reading in public, people watching, playing with animals (I’m actually DJ Kitty Tummy Rub.), etc. (Bear in mind these are all date material — my ideal partner would enjoy grabbing nothing but a book and finding just about anyway to read.)

    I once chased down two cyclists I thought would be ready to ride through the night, but she reached out her hand to embrace him, thus compelling me to realize that I had been doing this for years. I just get in the way of NTs who engage in activities for primarily social reasons.

    My only problem is that other social agents is a special interest of mine; so, for instance, I absolutely enjoy finding other Aspies, or learning the approaches NTs et al take during talk exchanges. I suppose you could call it that: I have a special interest in talk exchanges. So, for instance, I once ran 5 miles with two NTs and gave a thorough exposition of Alain Badiou’s mathematical ontology.

  20. Tyler Langan Says:

    “in hopes she will break up with herself and date them.” Brilliant.

  21. Lyd Says:

    I agree MikeyG. It seems healthy and natural to me to be able to enjoy activities by myself. Why shouldn’t it be??? We are all individuals as I see it, we are not lacking, by ourselves (so we are not dependent of others to feel complete). Nevertheless, if we have someone who can enjoy our activity as much as we do (and doesn’t overwhelm us emotionally), then we definitely would be happy to share it with them.

  22. SteveL Says:

    Have not been diagnosed as an Aspie yet but have been dating myself for years and I am 44. What’s wrong with going out by yourself and sitting by yourself in your own space, I love taking a table for four turned into a table for one. When a group of people or couple come and sit at my table I feel uncomfortable even when they ask. I now know to say yes sit at my table, to be polite but I quickly guzzle the drink go to the bar then find somewhere else to sit and enjoy my own company. I like going to watch Arthouse/ Indie films because of there intellectual stimulus and plenty of room in there even gone to see a movie and was the only one, I felt very special like a king.

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